the situation between you lauren and damien

so i met damien when rob emailed me a date and time to meet up. it was at robs house that i met damien. i also met lauren in the same house. i was rehearsing with damien and rob and lauren appeared one night in my periphery. i was surprised, i didn't know the girl. but she was listening to my playing, and i was flattered. i later learned the girls name was lauren. to this day i still don't know her last name. i began to crush on the girl, i thought she was attractive and i like what she had to say. i had heard that damien was crushing on her. long story short, i kiss her, sleep with her, once each, but i don't manage to keep her around for a long term relationship, damien manages that, and he becomes fiercely protective of her, to the point where he became hostile towards me, and i became very bitter because of his foolishness.

the reaction of your dead friends mom

when anita and i came to the door it was crazy the reaction we saw from the mother of my dead friend. i was surprised and i recognized her, she recognized me and opened the conversation with some welcoming words for me. i mentioned i had brought a book of vivek's, that he had given me it years ago and i thoguht i'd give it to her because perhaps she'd get some use out of it. and then she began to panic when i mentioned the songs that she'd told the studio not to give me. i was surprised when i heard her flippant attitude to my own hard work. i was angered and it was all i could do to keep her at the door. but she slammed the door in my face but not before i managed to call her rude.

how people avoid the topic

its strange how those parents of mine stay quiet upstairs. they rarely speak and it doesnt seem right. but that's how they seem to do it. and i don't really know why. but that's it. and honestly, there's not much sense to it. i'd rather then talk openly about their dysfunction than just move on and pretend like none of it exists. and honestly that's more or less what i'm thinking when it comes to these guys. it seems kinda fuckin rediculous how they just kinda go on day to day and now things seem to be getting out of hand but honestly i think they avoid the topics of our past. my past with those people is a seldom discussed topic. i spent well, i was born in 86 and through 91 we remained in england. then in 91 i moved to chicago with om and sister and this si where my father and i parted ways. but in 93 i moved back with my dad, and this is when my mom and sister remained. they came back in 94. and in 95 we came out to ohio. so like, for 2 years, i missed my mom, and the year before, i missed my dad. and i missed my sister a year too. and then when i was 17 i moved off and missed my mom dad and sis til probably about 20. then i had them around for awhile but sister 16 turned 17 and moved out as a freshman in college. worked awhile in the mall and just seems miserable to me today. but thats just how she is and honestly thats fine with me. if thats how she's gonna be then that's that. but it's terrible because there's so many things we could talk out, and relate to each other over, like how things used to be in the past, the good tmies, the bad times, and the things that we regret, and the things that we hold onto. those're the things that we have to talk about, our shared pasts ARE our lives together, and when those dont enter the conversation then life becomes very banal and boring. i like to live in the past as well as the future. talking about past happenings is one of the joys of shared memory. but these people refuse to partake, and i find myself out of people who share my experience. these are the only people ive got. and its not enough for what i need. i need people who can actually talk about things. and they dont talk about anything. its crazy in that sense.

noones helped you

how noones helped you get through this
not even your parents

from an early point in my life i was alone. i moved with my family to ohio. i had previously enjoyed many years at QEGS in Blackburn, in the United Kingdom. after the move i found myself in midwest america, in a place that would later be a stronghold against Barack Obama's election, a black man. you might not balk at that remark, but the reason was largely because he was black. ive found people here to be intolerable. i walk in to stores and im stared at. i walk in malls and im stared at.

left you when a good friend passed away

how your friends completely like, left you when a good friend of yours passed away

so this ones about the friends, i had friends in columbus. but my friends avoided me after my friend died. i think this was crazy. i needed support and help to get me through my grief. my friends did the opposite and didnt help me. i think this was their way of showing me they really didnt care. but they picked a shit time to show me they didn't care for me. i feel bad because i liked my friends alot. and i wasn't liked much. i don't understand why my friends didn't like me. i sometimes feel like i was a worse friend to them in some way to make them feel like i wasn't good enough.

nick was a guy i went to college with. freshman year he was my next door neighbor. i drank with him many times. i went to dayton with him. i went on road trips with him. and then when i was in a difficult situation, he avoided me. he lived with his girlfriend. she was kinda crazy. she never got along with another friend of mine. but to me she was ok. nick was ok to me as well. but they seemed to want to avoid me when i was feeling bad about my friend. i think nick wanted to enjoy his happiness with his girlfriend and not get pulled down by my grief. but that was no good for me because i needed someone who was committed to seeing me through my dark tunnel. and for alot of my friends, this just was not in my head. i called old highschool friends, and i never got responses, and if i did, everyone told me they were busy. i messaged people on facebook. i never could get any of them to hang out. i called friends in columbus. i rarely got them to hang out with me. i spent most of my days alone in my apartment.

left on concrete by a friend

how you were left on concrete by a friend

in college, it must have been the seocnd year because i know i was living on the 12th floor of harrison tower, i went out with a friend of mine doing some hallucinagens. my friend left me on the concrete and i was picked up by an ambulence and taken to a local hospital. it may have been the OSU hospital. i was disoriented, and i was sedated. i was afraid as well, and my friend hadn't looked for me.

this friend was kirby, and he was a guy i went to highschool with. i met him in freshman year, highschool, where we both played on the soccer team. i hung out with him in school, at lunch i'd eat with him, i'd take classes with him, and i'd hang out with him after school seeing movies and stuff.

he introduced me to DXM a drug i could buy at CVS. he introduced me to alcohol as well. as well as introducing me to mushrooms. and he introduced me to weed. he introduced me to four drugs. there is a fifth he introduced me to, morning glory seeds. and he left me on a concrete sidewalk while he walked home, and i was passed out.

anita felt like this was bad because i could have been killed. i suppose she's right, ifi hand't had someone come up to me and take me to a hospital, i may very well have died. also, maybe like, it was something that required immediate attention, and instead of getting it the kid just left me there and i might've died. i think it has kinda specific importance to anita because someone she did drugs with died after ingesting drugs her girlfriend gave the kid. she felt responsible for the death not because she caused it but because it happened before her eyes. in a very real way, my case was simmilar to hers. only i was the kid who nearly died. my friend was using me as a guiney pig, and trying to try out various drugs on me and seeing how i did with them. this is exactly what her girlfriend did to their friend. he died. i very nearly did as well. i suppose anita has it better figured out than i. i should be angry at my friend for giving me some substance that nearly killed me. i know i paid for my share, but he introduced it to me, and i never did it alone, only when he asked me to do it with him. i looked up to him, i did what he asked. he didn't do what i asked, and he didn't look up to me. and while i listened to him cry while he got high, he didn't support me when i mistepped on my drugs. he was unreliable, but also reckless and irresponsible for putting my life in danger by exposing me to so many drugs. i never would have come across those drugs had it not been his guiding hand that showed me them. he knows i never would have done a single drug. it wasnt in my personality. but i was tied to him because he was someone i knew, one of the few people i knew in a city that seemed big and intimidating. he took advantage of my naivity and fed me poisons that nearly took my life. and the worst part is i looked up to him so i have a hard time getting angry at him still today because i still feel like he's a good guy but i know he isn't. he never would ahve put me in a position where i could have lost my life if he really had my best interests at heart. the truth is he never did and never will. and anita has helped me begin to see this.

they help other kids instead of their own

how your parents are psychiatrists, but yet they help other kids instead of their own

this one was interesting. my father was a child psychiatrist, my mother one for adults, and neither did a single thing when i was suffering after our move to america. it just was a bit crazy that nothing was done and i was simply left alone. i guess in my quest to overturn every stone and rock i uncovered this one, and its not a pleasant thought to think that i was ignored my my parents. i feel like i should have been given some help, that when i was feeling badly i should have had someone coming to meand trying to make me feel better. i feel like if i had this i would have done much better in highschool and perhaps in college as well. instead i was ignored and the problems in my life overwhelmed me. sometimes i need hepl in this life, and when i don't get it, there is no chance for success. the problems is when i seek help out and never get it. its not that im afraid of geting help. its that i search for it in the wrong places. the people i go to never did help me out. and i asked my parents but they didnt help me. i think the thing about it is they should have been able to help me, seeing as my father was trained in treating children like i was at the time. and i think that he didnt come through for me like he should have. or like he could have. he was trained in ways that could have opened me up and sorted my problems. but i think my father for some reason resisted using his techniques on me. if iw as perhaps too difficult for him to tackle perhaps he should have reccomended me for a visit to one of his coworkers. but my mother she has never really been much help to me i feel like instead she tries to act like a victim around me and doesnt really try and help all that much. but my father long story short used to treat children around my age while i stayed at home miserable suffering from the same home problems my father saw in his patients.

the support that you didn't get

so anita mentioned this as one of the topics i needed to write about.

she was talking about my music and art, and the lack of reception i got from my two physician parents. it was rediculous. but yeah, i guess i can definately talk about this, my parents just don't see the things i do as an artist as useful, only wasting my time i'd guess, and perhaps they also think it's absolutely rediculous. like they just don't think it's worthwhile to like do any of these kinds of things. but that's hrutful to me because they're like my impulses, my ideas, and the like, and you can learn to make money doing anything. there are many different ways to think and live, it's a matter of honing whatever it is you've got into something workable and doable. but that which i needed my parents ans sister never were interested in giving. thats the thing about it whichi never really liked, and i dont know if they just are incapable of being supportive and the like or if they just are completely disinterested and never really had any kinda of a drive to like learn about something which perhaps they werent already an expert in. my mom walks around depressed and my dad a workaholic. meanwhile im here trying to make something of myself and they piss in every victory i make. its completely crazy and definately brings you down when you're trying to work your way up.