going through some latent subject matter

lauren

alright so basically, vivek died and i slept with this girl. watching that episode of house i felt like i was watching a reenacment of what went down. two miserable people gutted with those holes in their souls just drifting in space because that misery was so strong so blinding and we both felt absolutely empty so we came together and made our presence known each to the other thereby stemming the said vacancy and making each of us feel like we weren't alone. we kept each other company, we steered ourselves ever onward and kept ourselves from falling into the abyss of just pure misery. in that sense, we had someone there to comfort us, we weren't alone in our experience of the events. and it just so happened that sex was involved. but the thing was that just was a step too far because i wasn't prepared for it, and to have my first sex under those circumstances are weird, or perhaps you could say they're the most worthy circumstances ever. in a sense that basically what more could you really ask for from a sexual experience. I wasn't just simply "doing it" but doing so much more. it was a healing process for me and for lauren. and in saying that looking back it isn't so regrettable after all. although perhaps it was too much for me to conceptualize or even understand at that time.

but yeah at the time i couldn't just let her go and think sex was just sex and not a longterm relationship. i was brainwashed by conservatives and perhaps kept away from anything real and reailstic when it comes to people and getting together. so in a way it was just a sum of all the failings and lies and misguidings i'd been put through that put me right there on the floor pleading with lauren figuratively to go out with me after we slept together because iw as in some way convinced that we had something. but perhaps we never did and always had. like a friendship and then the sex was a moent of healing but not necessarily one of lust so much like yes thats apart of it but basicaly maybe not. like yes there's an attraction but also it was about opening yourself up to someone else who basically had gone through something terrible thereby making you feel like tey got it when you did the same thing so you had the ultimate comforter basically sitting there across from you putting your pieces back together which was a powerful moment after also years of having nobody or feeling like nobody wanted me being painted a black sheep by my mother and father and the like. its pretty amazing that now i sit in their basement given their treatment of me.

but back to the crux of the matter. lauren comes up alot between anita and me. she either brings her up, or i do. anita doesnt like that basically when it comes to my first sexual experience it was this like semi magical moment of converging situations and emphasized importance whereas maybe for her it wasnt but i think thats not where the envy comes its more that she feels like she's attempting to get into laurens shoes and she doesnt like the fit. but honestly i think thats maybe a silly way to look at it because basically anita isnt lauren never will be and just like that the moment in time we shared will always be there but that doesn't mean that lauren and i are together. it was a one time deal its not something im actively going for now and also it was just that brief moment. in the times ive spoken with lauren after you can tell there's like no remnant of that point left, except for perhaps on my side where i do feel like there is a bond between us. i mean its more like the bond you get around someone who truly knows you, in ever way. gory and all. and after knowing you they still embrace and accept you. thats a powerful thing and a beacon of light for me in that sense for many months while my parents still had the clampdown on me for the hair cutting, their shunning disease.

but today we never talk and we couldn't even if i wanted to. the reason being she doesn't check her phone ever or even call people back. and we don't live in the same city. but yeah i would love a friendship i would love something but its basically by her own choosing that nothing can really be done she's really made the effort to hole herself up and i know its not only me she does this too but the thing is im the kinda guy that would decide not to put up with it and move on and so i do but others, her closer friends, theyre still stuck in more hardcore. for me lauren was a moment, where something magical and healing happened, but she isnt an ever present being. because if you ever visit lauren you oughta be prepared for a disappointment as she's just not anywhere near as much as that powerful moment was. she's just a hman being after all, and i think you can say that that moment was larger than any of us and its the circumstances and the moment itself that has the draw, not lauren. lauren was just a tatty junkie with a penchant for fucking friends. and me i was the chained down son of a conservative who had no concept of what lay beyond his basement. i was discovering the world. she was satisfying her needs. and we both fell into an unexpected and magical moment. it was the moment that was worthy not her