death

so anita just posted a nice post on death. i figured i'd try and rival hers. well... what do i think about death? well... i don't know. i had a friend die, and then a few years later, i literally saw him sitting next to me. he wasn't a skeleton, but a whole human, i didn't see his face, but i saw his suit, and black shiny shoes. he had his leg crossed over the other, and he and i were just sitting there together listening to the band at the open mic. i glanced away then glanced back and he was gone. but i knew what i had seen, and i felt greatly comforted by this. i think the vision of someone you know is dead gives you a feeling that perhaps you are being watched over. if not watched over, then at least that people do go somewhere when they die. i remember vivek used to talk about how he had a cousin who he felt watched over him, and then to have vivek die and then for me to get the feeling that he was watching over me... well it was interesting. i mean to think that there's people watching over you and stuff, it's kinda weird. to think that people once dead can still float around watch people and stuff, it makes you wonder what exactly these dead people are capable of. im pretty sure nobody else in the bar saw vivek except for me, and of course part of me says my mind was playing tricks on me, only i saw the guy so vivedly it was hard for me to just discount it as an optical illusion. at the end of the day, what i saw next to me was a spitting image of my deceased friend, in the flesh, wearing a suit, and he seemed in good health, just chilling out and giving a serious listen to the music being played at the place. i mean to me it was just really comforting to see the guy again because of course the last time i'd seen him was in his casket. and then of course the picture they ran in the MVS notification of his death. but yeah. see anita tells me vivek was my real best friend, like of that time. im not sure, but i sure did learn alot from him. like when he was alive, he gave me cakewalk, yeah he got me into some drugs, like weed and stuff, but it was always a positive thing when we used drugs, with kirby it was always a chance to just get all spazzy, but vivek actually had a lust for life and was upbeat and all that. maybe he just had the bad fortune of doing the wrong junk. i dont know. i dont really know why vivek died. i dont know if he wanted to die and intentionally shot himself up with too much. i dont know if... well... instead of that he like... i dont know... perhaps was just using a small amount, but the junk was somehow tainted? i dont know. see one of the things about vivek was he refused to ever use in my presence. so like, i dont know exactly what he did. if he shot in his arm, or what. but like, the thing was, i knew he was doing it. he told me is the thing. i wouldnt know otherwise. i didn't have that kindof insight into it. and i think he knew it. which is why it was so good of him to even tell me. i think i might have been the only person he did tell. the guy who dealt in his apartment, i think he might have just dealt in pills. i dont know for sure. but i dont remember him actually buying heroin from the guy. just pills i think. but yeah. i dont know if that guy actually sold him heroin too. i dont know if i asked him. but i think it could have been that i did and he said the guy did sell it to him. but its been so long i dont even remember anymore. i do remember sitting in his final apartment and listening to his stuff, and just marveling at how amazing it sounded. i mean he really did get alot better over time i thought, he was really onto something, and it was pretty brilliant. but the thing was, it never really did get its own like place to be played. but yeah. it was a sad thing how things went. i didnt expect him to die. of course i had just wrapped up some studio sessions with him. so to me it was a big surprise. it was a surprise to jason as well. apparently he had just thrown vivek a party. and i guess vivek asked me for some help at chipotle. he asked me if i could talk with him but i told him i was busy. i should have recognized the sign. i feel like maybe he was reaching out to me because perhaps he might have been feeling suicidal. but i didnt know enough about it and all i felt was like i wanted to be away from vivek because i didnt know how to understand him or how to handle him. and then i guess he went to his birthday party maybe that day maybe not and yeah he went to it and i guess he left saying he was going to take his meds and thats when perhaps he decided to end it. but then people soemtimes say if you commit suicide you wont make it to heaven. but of course i saw him at the open mic maybe a year or two later. so i dont know about that. i dont know if vivek was visiting me from heaven. i dont know if his spirit was wandering around and found me at that open mic. i dont know if he was watching down, keeping an eye on me from time to time, and decided to stop in that one time because he thought the music was neat. but it was a profound experience for me. i mean i had never seen someone i knew had died before againsince then. there have been a few people ive known that have died. uncle bob is probably the first. and then avid's dad who was a guy i actually liked alot. and then vivek would be the other. vivek was definately a good kid. but it was the drug use that i think did him in. i guess they found him with a needle in his arm. and i mean you can only assume that the drugs are what killed him. the drugs that might have been in the needle before he injected himself. i dont know if maybe he had a cardiac arrest. thats when like your heart stops. reading about heroin it sounds like pure heroin rarely kills, that its tainted heroin or a mix of drugs that can doa person in. drugs such as valium and i know that vivek was taking antidepressants occasionally and also painkillers from time to time. i think perhaps he took a mix and that overwhelmed his system. i dont understand exactly what it does to the body but it cant be good.